February 1, 2012

I'm Okay, I'm OKAY

Thank you for all of your beautiful comments yesterday on my crazy post.  Yesterday was not a good day. Today is much much better.

I hate to leave you all in the dark. 2 days ago I finally made an appt. to see a fertility doctor. 2 YEARS ago my doctor suggested that I see this guy in Syracuse, well, because there was nothing more he could do at this point. All the tests that he had done were coming back fine. The more extensive testing needs to happen in Syracuse.

I put it off. For 2 years. For a few reasons. 1. The cost. And 2. because I was afraid of going to hear him say, you can never have kids. Can you guess which concern belonged to who?
So the other day when I sat down to tell Joe I had made the appointment, and the first words were- omg how much is that going to cost!? I had a bit of a meltdown. We are better now, after having talked about it and I do now realize we really ARE on the same page afterall. But he's just different than I am. He's concerned about things like money. Where I am concerned about actually just having a baby.

So, not to worry. I am going to be okay. I just have to get to April and then we can finally start attempting to get some answers.

36 comments:

  1. Oh, Lori... I'm so sorry you are facing this unknown. Thinking of you and although we don't share the same problems, be assured that my husband and I had a discussion last night that was remarkably similar in tone. And, yes, we're all better now, too.

    Happy thoughts and wishes to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's funny isn't it how in relationships you both want the same thing but come at it from different views. It can be difficult but I think it makes for a good partnership when you can compliment each other and balance things. Best of luck with the new doctor. I know and appreciate how much you want this. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm glad you guys chatted about it and realized you're in the same place...I bet it was a case of him opening his mouth and spitting out the first words that popped into his mind - I know I've done that more than once in my life. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to do it, but that the first place his brain went was the pocketbook...

    I know you guys have been struggling with this for a couple of years, so I'm glad you are finally ready to take the next step :o)

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweetie, I really do know where you're at right now. It took us 6 years, partly from incompetence, and partly from a problem on my side. I do know the emotional ups and downs, and how very hard it is to express to others. You are so way ahead of where I was. Sending you lots of love and strength. And I'm here if you need. Much Love~

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Lorelei, I'm sorry to hear. It seems like that is the knee jerk reaction of most men. My husband was the same way when I told him I was pregnant with our first child (and we didn't have insurance!) And it hurts when that is the first thing out of their mouths... it just must be the way their brains work. I'm glad you got it straightened out, it's a very emotional issue....sending you big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Lorelei, will just keep all fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed that all things work out for you, just as you hope they will. Hang on in there. On another note - completely love the Rain Down on Me Necklace - just beautiful! xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lorelei, I'm always saddened by this problem. It just doesn't seem fair. I hope and pray that this next step brings you closer to getting an answer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thinking of you.... Those men can seem insensitive to the problem sometimes, but they mean well and sometimes don't know how to put their thoughts and feelings into words. I can totally relate! Wishing you the best!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I will keep you in my prayers. Things have a way of working out sometimes, when we least expect it. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lorelei, just taking this step seems like an incredibly brave thing to do. A meltdown is amazing place to be. You're like a puddle of sweet, melted ice cream -- all vulnerable and alive. Thanks for sharing it with me. I hope the news is positive, and I will be holding you in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  11. lorelei, i'm so sorry this is happening to you. i had a total hysterectomy four years and will never have a baby, so i know the grief and pain you are experiencing. it's deep, scary stuff. i'm holding my breath as you go through this, waiting to hear what he has to say. wishing you you've been dreaming about. <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry to hear that Lorelie :(

    I go to school for acupuncture, and hear all the time of it's effectiveness for fertility. Have you ever thought about trying it?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Lorelei, my heart goes out to you this morning! I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and will continue to do so, as you go through this difficult time.

    Its hard to see it now through the clouds and the rain you mentioned in yesterday's post, but things will work out as they are meant to. That sounds so cliche but its always been true in my life.

    Hugs and good thoughts! Take care, know you're in my thoughts <3

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wishing you the best. I get how hard that must have been to hear and am glad you worked through it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm sad you're feeling sad :( I wish my teleport machine wasn't in the shop so i could come over and we could play hookey from work and watch movies in our jammies and eat french fries and/or ice cream. Hang in there, chickadee.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My heart goes out to you sweet Lorelei. I have seen some friends go through the same trials as you. There is so much power in prayer. And every single one of my friends were told they couldn't get pregnant and with the power of prayer, they were able to. Miracles do happen from above, I truly believe that and have seen God work behind the scenes first hand. Faith is an awesome thing. He may not always answer our prayer that way we want Him to, but later reveals why. I will be praying for you and hope many of your followers here will join me in the same! So, chin up, you have many people here supporting you here. Stress is not good for your body, so release it! ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thinking about you today. You ARE okay. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  18. So glad you are feeling better. Life wouldn't be an adventure without twists, turns and surprises! I wish you the best in April.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear Lorelei - I'm glad you are taking steps to get answers as I believe knowing is always better than guessing and not knowing. I'm thinking of you, as I often do, and looking ahead for you to the appointment date. I'm so proud of you for taking the step, the sometimes scary and mysterious step, into the unknown.
    Hugs.
    Lynn

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well Lorelei, if you didn't have any bad days, how would you know when you're having a good one, right? Cheers to you for picking yourself up and gaining some momentum. Actually making plans toward a goal is going to empower you and boost your confidence. Keep saying to yourself that you WILL have a baby, it IS in your future. I think I told you this before, but doctors told my friend Paula that she'd never have children and she has THREE now. My sister struggled with infertility, had one daughter with the aid of fertility treatments and struggled for another. She gave up and voila! Along came my nephew. So have faith, have confidence and have strength! Someday you'll be posting pictures of a positive pee stick!
    Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Dear lorelei, i suggest you to read " women bodies women widsom" from cristhiane northrup, its a beautifull book full of hope and knowdlege, IT Will help you feel way better on this difficult time you are having now. Love and support from mexico!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I really feel for you Lorelei. I went through this too, when I was about your age.

    As for the money thing--maybe its the male brain. We had a pocketbook tussle last night, too. Sigh!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh honey, I know your pain. I want kids badly also and have been delaying the inevitable appointment-making because I don't want to hear those words uttered either. I know how much courage it took to make that call and I applaud you for it. I might even find some gumption in myself to do the same thing. Thank you for showing me that strength and I'm so glad to hear that the two of you are on the same page. Sending you hugs and best wishes as y'all move forward with this.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I've been sitting here with the comments box open for that last half hour trying to decide how to start. It's so good that you've made the appointment, that the time is now right for you. Keeping talking to each other. We've been blessed with two wonderful boys but it's been a long hard road, and talking to each other and to friends was the only way we got down that road without going crazy! I'll be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Lorelei, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling such pain. I could never have children either, but I never really cared enough to be sad about it. It wasn't that I didn't like kids, I guess I was just being accepting of the way things were. Anyway, I decided, however, that when my brothers and sisters began having children, I decided that I was going to be an important part of the lives of my nieces and nephews and that would be my responsibility and I would have to make sure that it happened. Well, as it turns out, I am a very, very good aunt and have 8 nieces and nephews that would agree with that. And, if I understand your previous blog posts correctly, you already are a GREAT aunt. I wish for you the children you so badly want, but don't forget that you already are an aunt.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Stay positive and believe it will happen. Breathe.
    I had a bit of a melt down this week too because my 18 year old bundle of joy racked up a $1200 phone bill.
    Breathe.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous2/02/2012

    Lorelei, I am hard with you ! I will think lot to you and wish hard to the best ending. Abrasos Alys

    ReplyDelete
  28. Good for you for making that appointment!

    Men react differently than women, especially when they are met with something they can't control. I'm glad you are on the same page about this since you will be leaning on each other as you go along. Continue to talk it out so you know what the other is feeling every step of the way.

    I pray for happy results!

    ReplyDelete
  29. easycinderella2/02/2012

    My friend had 2 kids, a boy and a girl after YEARS of infertility. Of all of my college and high school girlfriends, only ONE of them DID NOT have trouble getting pregnant. They all have kids now.

    I got pregnant with my second child after the infertility doc told me I had an 8% chance of getting pregnant on my own. And I did get pregnant on my own.

    You have lots of hope.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I hope it all works out. I went through expensive fertility stuff and was lucky it worked on the first try -- it's nerve-wracking. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  31. ;o) You could always tell him the fertility treatments will cost only a fraction of what the kid will cost as it grows up. "See, honey, it's not so bad!" ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  32. The best discussions are never the easiest! My husband and I are currently undergoing similar discussions with regards to a second kid, since I am currently undiagnosed with a chronic illness...

    Good luck with everything! I hope the doctors will be able to help you and your husband.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am so glad that you were able to get on the same page. That makes for a true partnership and one to be cherished.

    I hope that the news ends up being good

    ReplyDelete
  34. Lorelei,

    I am so sorry for your pain and this emotional roller coaster you have been on. I totally understand your journey and the pain associated with infertility. Fear... fear of answers you don't want to hear and fear of the possibility of never having children. I wish you hope and love through your journey. My husband and I often felt like we were on different pages because we deal so differently with challenges.

    I urge you to find a Resolve Chapter near you, the first time I met others that were struggling with the same thing, I was amazed to find out that my feelings of anger, frustration and jealousy were "NORMAL" and I was not alone.(not that you are feeling any of that!) I also have to say, through many years of working with couples... I have never met a couple that did not have a happy resolution to infertility.... it may not have been the path they would have chosen to get there, but in the end it is so worth it to be a parent. Sending positive thoughts and hope you find many creative moments to express your feelings in your work! Your work is beautiful. I love Rain Down on Me!!! :-) Kris

    ReplyDelete
  35. I've been through this, just remember that they are able to help with the majority of cases. The hardest part is not knowing, and making that first appointment. <<>>
    And remember, men don't think the way we do, sometimes it makes them come off as insensitive. Good that you talked it through :-)

    ReplyDelete
  36. It is so strange how we are all sort of led to believe that having a baby is so easy when this is entirely not true in many cases. Joshua and I hope to have kids too, but there is this constant little voice in the back of my head warning me that it could be a long time before we are blessed and that we might need extra help to make it happen. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete

I'm sorry to have to turn on the word verification here, but I got fed up with spammers comments!

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
Buddha