September 9, 2009

only human


I usally try my best to keep the blog nice and neutral, and business oriented about jewelry. But I think it's important for there to be connection between the reader and the writer. That's kind of why I keep the blog, right!? But it's easy to get caught up in the business and forget that I'm only human. It becomes kind of robotic where every day blurs into the next and all of a sudden I've realized 2 years has gone by and nothing has changed.
Here's where it gets personal. If you'd rather only read stuff about beads, and jewelry, and Etsy right now, you might want to jet. Today's not the day. Today is the day where you'll realize that I'm human. Regular ol' person just like you and you and you and YOU.
I think it's also important to say this. I am not looking for comments, or lots of support. I'm only looking for a connection. For that moment when a person reading this thinks, hey- I can relate to that. No comments are necessary. Ok. L. get on with it.
We have been trying to get pregnant on and off for 4 years. That's a really really long freakin' time. Now we've started really trying again. We ended up taking some time off and now we've done some tests and everything is normal so we are trying it out again. But now I've turned into a raging lunatic. How does this happen? Trying to get pregnant isn't supposed to make me completely crazy.
I've started to concoct scenarios in my head about symptoms that I'm having that could or could not mean that I might be. pregnant. That alone, could make a person crazy. Like this weird insatiable hunger I've had for 4 days. Even after eating, I'm hungry an hour later. (in my head, this could only mean one thing. is this true? Of course not. I know this.) Or, how I kind of felt for a few days like my pee was really super strong. or like I might be getting a UTI. Do you want to read about that stuff on a jewelry blog? No of course not. But I'm only human!! These are thoughts I'm having. I've completely lost my mind. And am resorting to typing it out as a way of therapy. It's helping so far.
All I know is, having a baby is scary shit. Are we ready? I think so. We aren't getting any younger. I just want to be a mother. That's all. So I would really appreciate it if the Gods above could grant me this one wish because I can't really be this childless, obsessive, crazy, lunatic beader any longer.

56 comments:

  1. Good luck! I'll see what I can do and whip up a fertility charm. Maybe you all need a trip to Hawaii to visit the Royal Birthing stones. Cynthia found out shortly after that she was pregnant. Anyway, best of wishes and good luck again!

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  2. I know that you are human, but I love hearing about it. Wanting to have a baby is a very big thing. Don't ever doubt that. And of course you are ready. You are caring and mature. That's what counts in my opinion. Many people as you know, get pregnant after adopting one. I think that means it is important to relax and believe in being ready. We are never really ready for any new experiences if life because they are a first. But having a baby is something we can do and do well without ever having done it before. You will be a wonderful mother and I hope it happens soon for you.

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  3. You are in my thoughts Lorelei - I can totally relate! It sounds like you and Joe are very much like me and my husband. You get so comfortable in the life you have had together (7 years for us) so the change seems even that much scarier. We are not trying yet, but soon. It is also very difficult to be surrounded by friends/co-workers who have little ones. They don't mean anything by it, but sometimes I feel like such an outsider because every conversation revolves around potty training, feeding, illnesses, clothes shopping, etc..... I send good wishes your way.

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  4. I have a mix of bead blogs and IF blogs on my google reader, so you fit right in :) Let me know if you want to talk.

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  5. This post of you has really touched me. I feel unsatisfaction in it, and unease, and fear. I know that may be this doesn't help you, but I understand you. As someone has said, maybe you just need to relax, do not think to this baby as a urgent goal, cause things happen when you do not expect it to happen... Wish you well...

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  6. I need to find out where the Royal Birthing Stones are in Hawaii so I don't accidentally go there :o) I love that you and Joe want kids so badly that you're driving yourself batty - I think it happens to a lot of people when they are at the point where they are REALLY trying.

    Then there's me - I was in my crazy place a couple of years ago when my ob/gyn ran a pregnancy test because she was checking a couple of things that were going on. Thomas and I have decided we don't want kids, so I was all kinds of freaked out...

    Don't stress too much - it will happen when it happens (probably when you're not trying...)...

    And, I kinda like seeing this side of Lorelei every once in a while :o)

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  7. Lorelei

    This is a hard journey that I have been down. What you are feeling is normal. Please feel free to email me if you would like to "talk" about this at all with someone who has been there.

    Nancy

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  8. Anonymous9/09/2009

    Hang in there. It will happen for you. My husband and I were trying for 3 years before we learned that there was an infertility issue. We are now in the process seeking other methods to have children. It's an emotional rollter coaster and you need to do whatever you can to cope. I wish you the very best of luck.

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  9. No advice, just a connection. Based on personal experience you are not going crazy, there are millions of women out there that have the exact same feelings during this bump in the road.
    I have no doubt that you and Joe will make wonderful parents.

    xo

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  10. Best wishes for you Lorelei. It will happen and while you're trying it totally can make you crazy, trust me, I know. I interpreted every little thing as being pregnant back when we were trying. I definitely can connect with you on this. Here's hoping that you get pregnant soon! And have no fear, I didn't feel ready at all to be a parent and as it turned out, it's been an awesome ride. (And I was as ready as one can ever be, as I'm sure you are too.)

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  11. I think crazy thoughts too. I can relate. And just so you know, for me, I knew I was preggers because my bossoms hurt. I mean, like really really hurt. LOL, just feeding the crazy ideas. :)

    It'll happen. And I will knit the little one a sweater with an owl when it does.

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  12. I don't mind a little personal rant from time to time - we're only human, right?
    Thanks for baring your soul and I'll keep you in my thoughts!

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  13. You have connected to this reader, and I will keep reading your blog whether you post about your life or you post about jewelry. You are someone to whom I can relate, thank you for putting yourself out there.

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  14. Lorelei,
    I am sorry to hear that you are on this emotional roller coaster right now but I have to tell you that I like the fact that you chose to share this human side of yourself. Your blog doesn't always have to be all about business, this is a place for you to share what's in your heart, a place where you can open up in ways that perhaps you can't with those closest to you. We are here as a support for you, a sounding board and you need never apologize for sharing your feelings. I will pray that God is quick to answer your prayers and that he calms your anxious heart.

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  15. Hi Lorelei,
    I think it's good to get the human side out in your blog. It does make for good human connections - you know, we all are...

    It took me a year and a half to get pregnant the first time. Something about fertility windows getting smaller once you hit 30. And I was traveling so much with bead shows, we used to joke that I would actually need to be home in order to get pregnant.

    Talk about frustrating. It takes all the joy and fun out of trying when you have to be on a "schedule". And I hated that waiting period. It does make you feel like a crazy person... Am I pregnant? Or am I just hopeful and it is in my head? When will I get my next period? Did I miss one? Am I stressing out and making things worse? Should I eat sushi now or drink a beer? Or do I hold off because I "might" be pregnant...

    There are so many things to consider. And this second time trying to get pregnant, I fussed the first couple of months like this, then just said - ah, screw it... If it happens, it happens... And a month later (and much Sushi and the occasional dark beers later) Riley showed up...

    We always kept the door open for "adoption" as an option too... I know that is not an easy path either, but the love of a child and helping them through life (even if it is just as a Foster parent or such) give you so much back.

    I hope for the best for you. And no, you're not crazy! You're a woman... we're supposed to ripple the waters a bit to keep life interesting!

    Sending much love and hope...
    ~Marsha

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  16. Oh, Lorelei, I just want to give you a big bear hug and let you know you are not crazy. We gals have to deal with the hormonal rollercoaster every day and it sucks! I will keep yo in my thoughts. And -- I love hearing about your human-ness too. Thanks for sharing with us.

    Emanda
    ArtemisiaStudio.etsy.com

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  17. A few of my very close friends have gone through years of this. And it is hard. I'm happy to report they are all now mothers. I have every confidence you will get there.

    You are completely human (I never once questionned you weren't).

    Hang in there Lorelei!

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  18. You are in my thoughts, what comes next is always a surprise, the future. Thanks for letting me be your friend. Friends share, thanks for sharing.

    Hugs. Hopes. Happy. Human.

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  19. Lori Michaud9/09/2009

    Not crazy, Lorelei, just human. Keep the faith.

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  20. oh my gosh I remember those days.

    sending hugs and good thoughts.

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  21. Aw sweetie, it's okay to vent on your own blog! And that's what we, your cyber friends, are here for. We've got big shoulders.

    From experience, I can tell you one thing -- RELAX. Stop trying so hard and stop stressing about it. I know it's difficult, but that's pretty much what it takes. Have a few stress-free, relaxing, romantic weekends without thinking about what your're trying to do. In the meantime, we'll all keep thinking positive, fertile thoughts for you!

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  22. i'm wearing some of your earrings today as a little way of holding you in my thoughts.

    when you're very used to being able to make things happen by working harder and doing more, it's pretty hard to wrap your head around this one - you probably do best by letting go, as others have said.

    it sounds as if you have a very nice and solid thing with your husband - which is good in times like this.

    best wishes - you are ready - don't worry.

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  23. Anonymous9/09/2009

    Hi Lorelei,
    I've been where you are, and I know how upsetting it is. To tell you to try to relax would be cruel, as it's next to impossible to do. When I was going through that, we discovered that problem was with my (then husband). You said "we've" been checked out, so I'm guessing he's OK too. I know that when the universe says the time is right, you will be pregnant. Sometimes we want things on our own schedule, and resent that it's out of our own control. Breathe, my love. Good things will come to you. They did for me. My infertility concern just celebrated his 30th birthday last week!
    Bonnie

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  24. Your humanly blogs just lovely. Like Bead mused said. RELAX. It must be hard tho. I will pray for you for in the book I consider most sacred to me in life. The Lord said He can "make a way where wjere there seemeth No way at all". Powerful words I believe in so with that I will pray! Sprinkling some huggs here for you today! xx

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  25. c'est une aspiration tout-à fait légitime!gardez courage et confiance!

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  26. I think it's wonderful and brave that you shared bits of your personal self along with your jewelry-making in your blog. Think how much more meaningful it makes your jewelry - those who own it and read the blog can really feel like they have a connection with you. Also, I went through the same situation and I found a great on-line group of about 12 ladies who provided wonderful support as we all tried to get pregnant. We ran the gamut from various physical issues to those who had nothing physically wrong, but were still unable to conceive for some unknown reason. I'm happy to report that 7 years later, nearly all of us have successfully had children and most are on 2nd or third pregnancies. It can and will happen - the universe has its own timetable. I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed!

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  27. Lorelei,

    Hey girl! This is your blog and if you want to talk about trying to get pregnant then, dam, that's what we'll talk about. I got pregnant with my daughter rather quickly. I guess I was lucky but when we tried for a second, things didn't work out quite as well. We tried for a year and it drove me insane. It's all I could think about and I was totally obsessing over it. Feeling like I had the symptoms again and then wondering what was wrong with me when it didn't happen. We later decided that we were happy with just one child. Funny how things work out. I could tell you not to worry but I'm sure you still will. I've heard plenty of stories about how ladies have become pregnant once they stopped trying. Just know that you have many friends waiting to talk when you need it. Hugs!

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  28. I love your jewelery and it is nice to see your other side too:) My mom had a heck of a time getting PG after me. They adopted my brother than bam, they were PG again:) Mom said it was because they relaxed about everything.

    Jolene

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  29. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. XO

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  30. I know you don't need one more comment, but I feel compelled...
    Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts. It sounds as if you need the strength and support of those who love you. Don't feel like you are going through it alone. And don't ever apologize for being only human. There are so many ups and downs and twists and turns that our lives present to us every single day. And while someone may be turned off by the fact that you did not post about a new bauble, I would really feel sorry for them. Because the whole reason for blogging, in my opinion, is to create a community. That is all that anyone ever wants. And a community is one that supports you. I hope you know that not only are you part of one such caring and utterly creative community, but also that we will be there with you to share the joys and the sorrows, not just the pearls and the chain.
    I do really believe in the cosmic idea that the Universe gives you that which you need, and that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And when you least expect it your joy is doubled and your sadness dissipates.

    Enjoy the day, Lorelei!
    Erin

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  31. I am so sorry to hear about your fertility problems. I don't think there is anything wrong with hearing about you personal issues (including your pee) because part of your creative process that we come here to read about (which I love) comes from you as a whole person. My sister is going through something similar. She has a four year old and they desperately want another child. She had a miscarriage two years ago and she was devastated. They have been trying ever since with no luck. I see the same pain she has in your writing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  32. Hang in there I will keep you in my prayers. Relax and let it be, it will happen.

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  33. Anonymous9/09/2009

    You are very BRAVE! I wasn't so brave when I was where you are. (7 years, lots of prayers/tests/money/heartache and my oldest daughter arrived) I hope this blog therapy helps you. Blog away. You have my prayers, empathy, and amazement at your bravery (and your jewelry). All these relax comments would have driven me more crazy.

    BTW, the last scientific study I read on the correlation of adoption to getting pregnant said
    it was a myth. It was a relatively rigorous study. The results showed the same pregnancy percentages for folks that adopted versus those that didn't adopt.

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  34. Lorelei, I have been in your shoes and I know just how you feel. I went through infertility for a LONG time! It is not fun nor is it fair.
    I do not want to bore you with my story but just know you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal. I will be thinking of you.
    Judy

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  35. Esto lo tengo que decir en mi idioma. Hoy en la mañana, como siempre, abrí mi computadora y fui a leer tu blog que me encanta. Lo que leí me impresiono mucho. Yo nunca he estado en tu posición pero mi mejor amiga si. Según iba leyendo me conecte tanto con tu sentimiento que se me salieron las lagrimas. Hace dos meses mi mejor amiga, luego de trece años de matrimonio y de intentarlo, salio embarazada… para luego perder su bebe por una condición de salud. Yo estuve a su lado en todo el proceso. Yo lloraba porque la veía a ella sufriendo. Mis lágrimas eran por ella, por mi sentimiento hacia ella. Pero ella lloraba por su bebe.
    Inmediatamente terminé de leer, llame a mi amiguita y le conté. Ella me dijo… “Ahí Mari Nilda yo la entiendo”… Durante todo el día he estado leyendo los comentarios que te dejaron. Tuve una conexión inmediata contigo pero no podía comentarte nada. No hay palabras que puedan confortarte. Solo puede haber conexiones de sentimientos. Lorelei desde lejos añadiré tu deseo en mis oraciones y peticiones diarias a Papa Dios. Confía en el Señor, el te compensara y bendecirá tu vientre.

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  36. Mel Mel9/09/2009

    My heart and prayers are with you now and always. Following your blog and "meeting" your circle of friends and family has brought me great joy. Lorelei, I truely believe that when you bring joy to others, it will surely come back to you. Most likely when you least expect it. For now enjoy the "pursuit". Love Ya, Mel Mel

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  37. I've spent loads of time in CrazyTown myself, except every now and then when I get really stressed I interpret every little thing as CANCER. I think your crazy is better. Some little munchkin is going to be ULTRA lucky to have been wanted so badly. More people WITH kids should be more like you!!!!

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  38. Sending love, hugs and positive support from the south Lorelei.

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  39. Lorelei I'm praying for you and your husband. Thanks for sharing your struggle. It's a privilege to pray for a friend.

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  40. I love hearing the human side - you should express your feelings, and what you are expressing is perfectly normal! Try to relax - it will happen, but in the meantime, we're all here for you.
    a big hug girl.....

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  41. Oh Sweet girl, you are so human. And I will wait for the happy news that you are indeed waiting for a baby as I'm sure you're dream will be realized. Best wishes, Marcia

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  42. Hey L, it will happen. The docs say relax, as stress will hamper the process, and I really believe it! I lost one before I had my baby girl, and it's hard, but it does work out in the end. And like lunedreams said, I too interpret everything as cancer - crazy can overtake you if you let it! Even this very second...
    I have had more experiences in my life than I'd like to admit, but relaxing in order to have a baby is one that works! Trying can be fun, too!!!!!!!!! :)

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  43. I get up at 5 AM every morning so I can walk my dogs, get ready for work, and read email and blogs. I read blogs for fun and for contact. There is a reason I come back again and again to those blogs that clearly have a human author. Beading is great therapy, but writing is too. Keep putting yourself into both.

    --Lois

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  44. Sending love and positive energy your way. :) Crazy's a place we all head to once in a while and end up better off when we get back. Take care!!

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  45. We all need human connection. It's always ok to write whatever you want on your blog. I will say a prayer that your wish for a baby happens soon. Good luck to you and may God bless you.

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  46. Lorelei,

    Please find peace,solace,and strength in the knowledge that you and Joe are in the thoughts of many kindred spirits.

    "Promise me that you will always remember: You are braver than you belive, and stronger than you seem, and smarter then you think"
    Christpher Robin to Pooh

    Pattie ;)

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  47. Though I don't know what you are going through, I do know a couple new to our church that spent many years trying to get pregnant or adopt. We put them on our prayer list and very shortly they were blessed with a baby boy. Keep believing.

    And having a baby is scary, but you will get it right-I promise!
    You'll make a great mother.

    Just keep believing.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  48. I am thinking about you! I know how you feel.... especially the coming up with symptoms that probably aren't there, it is impossible not to!

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  49. Lorelei
    I am feeling for you and what you are going through. I witnessed much of the same with my brother and his wife. Look at all of the support around you! Thank you for opening up and sharing the "human" side too.

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  51. A fertile goddess pendant is on it's way! I made her when I was pregnant and have had 3 people tell me she was "lucky" for them! Couldn't hurt! Getting there is half the fun right?

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  52. Lorelei that was so raw and real I don't know what to say to you that hasn't already been said.

    God Bless

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  53. Hey there ... Please email me if you like ... I went through fertility drugs and IVF so may know a bit about how you feel .... Lori at lorianderson dot net

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  54. Anonymous9/10/2009

    Hey there,

    Don't fret. Just relax and good things will happen. Having children is all good. It isn't always easy and they don't come with a manual but you have alot of support here in the blogs if ever you don't know what to do. It is like a second childhood. You go to Toys R Us and find things like Etch a Sketch and ponder how you used to play with it so it must be good if it is still around. It's the unknown that makes you marvel and brings the excitement to life. I took my children everywhere. We didn't think of them as hindering the things we wanted to do. We took them hiking and camping and to movies and because of that they now roll with the punches and know how to act in many different situations. So relax and enjoy. Good luck.

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  55. Lorelei,Email me your address so I can send you a vintage brass wishbone charm and some "fertility" beads. I hope they will bring you a bit of hope due to wishful thinking! I will wait to see if a return address is on the "Fragile Thoughts" earrings I bought from you.Remember?

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  56. Thank you for sharing this with us, Lorelei. I appreciate your candor, and I'm sending you and Joe good vibes for a happy outcome to this situation. :o)

    Maureen

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Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
Buddha